Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
