god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
