He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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