I am puke
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
