I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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