FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
