No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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