Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
