A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
this beer tastes like vomit already
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
