So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
