dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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