I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
