So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
