cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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