I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Randomize
