I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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