i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Randomize
