He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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