Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
