well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
