hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
