Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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