sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
