Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Randomize
