There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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