Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Randomize
