Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
