Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
They are going to name an STD after you.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
