those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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