The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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