got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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