We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
