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I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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