Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
