I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
