People with herpes should wear stickers.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
