1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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