I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
