I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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