wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
That was before I lit my hair on fire
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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