I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
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