we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
It's rum buckets o'clock
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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