I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
