I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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