At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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