I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
