my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
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