oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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