ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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