dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
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stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
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You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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