worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
