FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Randomize
