dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
