fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
