Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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