He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
