Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
