You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
