does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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