my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
