nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
