Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize